Are You Okay?
by Eve Davidson
Summary: Craig talks to Manny after the abortion.


I haven't spoken to Manny for months, not since she got the abortion. I don't know, I just don't know what to say. We all hurt. I know it was an awful thing to do, it was awful for me to cheat on Ashley and for Manny to get pregnant and get an abortion. I wanted that baby. I wanted a family. I told Spinner the truth. I know Joey has tried to make things okay for me, and sometimes they are, but a lot of the time I feel like I'm just staying at some guy's house. I don't really belong there.

I hope she's okay. I'm worried about her. It was bad for me, the whole abortion thing, but it had to be worse for her. No one had to know, like Joey. Her parents had to know, or at least her mom. And then the whole thing, going to the clinic and the doctor doing whatever he does to get it out. That had to be horrible.

I have to talk to her, even if she won't talk to me. I have to at least try. I've heard all the things people are saying about her, how she's a slut and everything and she sleeps around. I've seen how sad she looks. I know it isn't fair. I kind of came out cool in the whole thing. I had two girls, I got one pregnant, which isn't cool but people are like, "you are such a stud," But I'm as much a slut as she is. But then again, it isn't exactly like that. There's more to it. I always liked Manny. She didn't seem all that mature and that kind of bothered me at first but she's getting more mature and everything, and Ashley is so serious sometimes. And Ashley was wanting things from me, these commitments and wanting me to say I love her and I just couldn't. I did love her. I do. But I couldn't say it like that because I'm screwed up. I know I am. It's my parents dying and everything, and my dad beating me. I just feel like love is screwed up for me because of them. Love is hurt to me. And saying it to someone makes me feel too exposed, too much like I'm going to get hurt. Ashley doesn't get it, and why should she? She has good parents, parents who are alive and never hurt her, not like I was hurt.

So because I'm so screwed up I ended up hurting all of us. Ashley's a wreck now, too. She mopes around and gives me these dirty looks in the hall and skips school all the time. Well, she doesn't really skip, she just stays home. And Manny's so sad. And then there's me. I miss both of them and I'm sorry I hurt them and I'm mad that Ashley won't let it go.

I saw Manny one day at lunch outside sitting on the stone wall. She was alone. I had to at least try and talk to her and see if she was alright. I felt all nervous, like maybe she'd yell at me or something and I guess I deserved it. I knew I did.

"Hey," I said, going over to her. She looked up at me, squinting in the sun. The sun was shining off of her smooth black hair. She was so pretty. She looked at me like she couldn't stand to be near me.

"Hi," she said softly, and it was encouraging. Maybe she wouldn't yell and tell me to get away from her, so I sat on the stone wall next to her.

"I just wanted to talk to you…to make sure you're okay," I said, looking down at my sneakers.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said, but it wasn't the truth. It was okay, though. Sometimes you just can't tell people how not okay you are.

"Really?" I said, wanting to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear, but I didn't because that would be too intimate, and we couldn't be like that anymore. Since the abortion we could hardly speak to each other, we could hardly look at each other. I closed my eyes for a second and thought what would have happened if she had the baby and kept it. What would it be like to be a father? Maybe I'd be like my father. I could be. It was what I knew. Maybe I'd get so mad at that kid and shake him and strap him and kick him in the ribs and the stomach, like my father did to me.

"Yeah," she said, but something trembled in her voice and I knew she probably wasn't fine. None of us were. But maybe I would have been a good dad, and I wouldn't have been anything like mine. I could be like Joey, funny and understanding and trying so hard to be fair and to give us everything. I wanted to be like Joey.


End file.
